articles

Trusting the Process

By Casey O'Roarty, Joyful Courage April 10, 2014
Trusting the process…What does that mean when it comes to parenting?

Well, an easy example of this is the process of our children becoming walkers...

We know that when our babies begin to get up on hands and knees and rock back and forth, soon they will be crawling. We know that when our little ones are reaching and pulling themselves up to hold on to the coffee table, they are working on balance. We know that when they take those tentative first steps, they are on the road to mastery…

We are so wise through this process.  We know it can’t be rushed.  We know better than to hope they will skip a step.  We have faith that they will learn what they need through the process of developing their skills, through the everyday practice they engage in, through falling down and getting back up…

 Then our sweet little toddlers begin to explore the world.  They slowly begin to develop language and opinions and have their own agendas that don’t always fit in with the agenda of the adults in their life.

This is when things get a bit messy…

Just like with the process of becoming a walker, young children are go through the process of learning social and emotional skills.

This is a rich period of time for both parents and children.  The window is wide open for teaching, modeling and practicing these skills.  And just like with walking – there are many steps to take, lots of falling to do, endless practicing.

I am halfway through teaching a 7 week Positive Discipline class.  The families have kids ranging from babes to preteens.  It is tricky to meet the needs of everyone, and I do my best.  I have had a few parents mention that, while they are enjoying the class, they wonder how to use the concepts with their toddlers.

Here’s the deal with toddlers and prechoolers - life with them can feel like a whirlwind – like a never ending game of catching up.  I refer to it as “living in the weeds” and it can be really difficult to see ahead…

I am not going to tell you to enjoy every minute of it, that they are only little once….  Honestly, I drives me crazy when people say this to me.  It usually is people whose kids are older than mine and they don’t really remember the intensity of how it was.  It’s not helpful.  In fact, it makes me feel worse because I am usually thinking, “yeah, well, I’m over this stage!!!”

What I am going to tell you is that this period of time, this under five window, is one of the most important times for supporting your child in their social/emotional development.

Think about it – they are learning language, right?  They are parroting what they see you doing and saying.  You are the center of their universe.  There is a lot of opportunity here…

It gets tricky though – we have to remember to trust the process.  We have to embrace the idea that social and emotional skills are learned over time and through lots and lots of practice.  Here are three powerful things you can be doing with your young child to help them with their practice:

Tell them what to do – This doesn’t mean give them lots of commands, it does mean to pay attention to your language.  Your language invites all sorts of unintended mischief from your kids.  “We pat our dog gently,” has a better likelihood of encouraging skills than, “We do not hit the doggie.”

Same with walking in a parking lot...  “We hold hands in the parking lot,” will be met with more cooperation than, “No running!”  Will it still be challenging to walk in a parking lot with your toddler?  Yes.  It will.  But if you trust the process, over time your kids will learn how to be safe.

Give them words – Everywhere there are young kids around, you will hear well intentioned, loving parents say, “Use your words” to their toddlers and preschoolers.  They may be whining, or melting down, or shut down, and their parent is trying to encourage them to grow their communication skills.  Fair enough.

My invitation is to give them the words to use.  Often we know what they want, we just can’t stand the whiny or angry tone they use…  Well, again, they want to parrot you – so why not model making the request the way you want to hear it?  “Mommmmmyyyyyy,  juuuuuuuuuice,” can be met with, “Can I please have some juice, Mommy?”  Give them the words you want to hear.

Does this mean your kids won’t whine or throw fits anymore?  No.  This is what childhood sounds like.  And every time they do whine or throw a fit, you have the opportunity to model the skills that you want them to practice.  Falling down and getting up, right?

Validate their feelings before you correct or redirect – Kids under the age of four are spilling over with emotion.  Everything is tied to emotions for them.  They have not yet learned how to integrate their brains so that they can integrate their logical left brain with their crazy emotional right brain…  This isn’t new to you – you live with them!

Here’s the thing, by naming the emotion they are having, by noticing and putting words to what you are seeing, you are helping them in the work of integrating their brain.  “You are really mad/sad/scared/lonely/frustrated/hurt right now.”  Give them a chance to let your words sink in, be present for them as they puzzle out those emotions.

After their feelings are validate, your children will be much more likely to hear your correction or redirection.  They will have felt seen, and that will invite them to be available to the rest of what you want to say.  And this is the beginning of the development of their emotional intelligence.

So yes, just like walking, learning social and emotional skills is a process for our children – one that will last well into their adulthood.  Trusting the process means that we need to know that teaching, modeling and practicing these skills with our kids is enough.  And these skills will develop over time.

So those of you who are in the weeds, know that this is a special time for you.  Use the words you want your kids to use.  Problem solve, share, make amends, puzzle things out with and in front of your young children.  You are offering them a gift - a model - of how to move through the world in a way that makes it a better place for us all.

Casey O’Roarty is a mama and Positive Discipline Trainer living in Monroe, Wa.  You can find blog posts, videos and offers from Casey on her website, www.joyfulcourage.com.  Sign up for her newsletter and get weekly inspiration to your inbox, right when you need it.