For Safer Play Dates: Ask, Don't Assume

On the Snoqualmie Valley Macaroni Kid Facebook page, I recently posted, "I ask. And I don't assume. My daughter's safety could depend on it. It's that simple." along with a link to this article written by a mom whose son was killed in an accidental shooting while playing at a friend's house. 

That post and the article sparked a conversation with some parents admitting they had never thought to ask, other parents saying they ask - regardless if it's awkward or not.  I was motivated to share my experience by this comment from local mom Nicole, "How do you ask, Dana? Do you have a certain phrase or way you ask? Do you ask in person upon arrival of a home? Or prior to the play date?"

My oldest daughter is an extroverted social butterfly.  She thrives on interactions with people.  She's just like me, which is why I joined a moms group when she was still very young.  Before she started kindergarten, we attended (or hosted) play dates at least a few days a week - sometimes with just one other mom and child and other times with groups of moms and little ones.  We made friends together; the children of my friends became her friends.  During her kindergarten year, we still managed to see the good friends we made from the moms group, but she also made her own friends in the classroom and on recess. However, I had limited opportunities to get to know the parents of her school friends.  For that reason, we didn't have any play dates with school friends that year.  In my mind, I was lucky enough to get a one-year reprieve from dealing with not only a new level of independence for her but also my own concerns about keeping her safe.  

My luck ran out in first grade when - during the first month of school - my daughter began asking to have a play date with a class mate.  I wondered, How is that going to work?  How am I going to make sure my daughter is safe?  I was not comfortable with my daughter being in that situation - under the supervision of people I don't know and in an environment I've never seen.  My mind imagined all sorts of unsafe scenarios; the unknown made me feel too vulnerable.  I imagined the other parent would feel the same way, but I extended the invitation and offered to host the play date at our house.  Problem solved for me ... for now.  

It wasn't long after that I was - thankfully - introduced to Kim Estes of Savvy Parents, Safe Kids.  She told stories of parents not even being home during an arranged play date involving young children.  She brought up the issue of guns in the home, which quite honestly, wasn't even on my radar.  Her examples served as reminders that you cannot make assumptions. 

At this point, I was thinking my daughter's future simply would not include play dates of any kind.  And then, Kim started talking about questions you should be asking before agreeing to a play date at another person's house.  She calls them The Sensational 6, and they look like this:

Savvy Parents, Safe Kids also suggests, if asking these questions feels difficult for you, have the first play date at your house and offer up all of the Sensational 6 information to the other parent, as a model.  That's exactly what I did.  First, I practiced on a neighbor and told her I had learned something new at a parenting workshop that I wanted to try.  Next I called the parent of my daughter's classmate and proceeded to run through The Sensational Six.  Yes, I worried that she would think I was crazy and over-protective, but I didn't let that stop me.  I was pleasantly surprised when she even thanked me for "covering all of the bases."

To date, my second grader has been to play dates at the homes of two of her classmates.  In both cases, I have met the parents, and I have asked The Sensational 6.  It gets easier every time, and the response has only ever been positive.  

Anyone who is defensive or offended by you asking them the Sensational Six Questions … that is a RED FLAG!

For more ways to keep kids safe visit savvyparentssafekids.com