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Listening as a Way to Empathy

By Kimberly Mays - Illume Parenting May 9, 2019

Our basic human needs are often met in the moments in which we are heard intently, without judgement or interruption.  

I don’t always offer active listening to my toddler, sometimes I am distracted, in the middle of a thought, short-tempered or just plain tired.  When I do offer active listening to her, everything seems more rich and clear.

To actively listen means to listen intently, without judgement, and to refrain from interrupting or comparing.  Have you ever tried to tell someone a story, describe something your passionate about, or even just recount a simple detail from your day and you suddenly find yourself sounding like an incoherent fool telling the world’s most uninteresting story?  Compare that to a time when you were talking to someone you love and trust and you felt their genuine attention and interest.  These night and day experiences illustrate the powerful impact of someone’s listening. 

In the absence of active listening, things are more confusing, emotions are heightened, and we often don't connect on any meaningful level.  My mother-in-law recently visited and my daughter was so excited when she arrived, she adores "Gigi".  The next day we were going through her nap routine and she kept insisting on giving Dada and Gigi one last hug and kiss (four times over).  She broke down crying each time I’d tell her it was time for a rest and we weren’t going to give Dada or Gigi any more kisses or hugs, she would see them after she took a rest.  

I felt my annoyance creeping in and my impatience taking over as I tried to tell her it was time to change her diaper.  Luckily, I caught myself and instead of forcing the issue from a place of frustration, I switched in to active listening mode and let her know I heard her frustration and sadness.  It dawned on me that the last time Gigi stayed with us, my husband and I left for a few days for some well needed time without our two kiddos.  I asked her “are you feeling sad that Gigi is here because you don’t want Mama and Dada to leave?”  A wave of what seemed like relief came over her face quickly followed by a strong weeping cry.  

I picked her up off her diaper table and held her and rocked her.  I sang her favorite song as of late, and then sat down in her chair, continuing to rock her.  In between singing, I’d reassure her “we’re not leaving, we’ll be here when you wake up, you probably missed us last time we left, that was hard.”  She cried in my arms and after a few moments lifted her head from my shoulder and calmly looked at me.  I told her I loved her, and we proceeded to change her diaper, read books, and finished her nap routine, all the while connected and calm.  

Without that moment of listening attentively to my daughter, I would’ve missed the underlying reason for her “outbursts” and I would have pushed through her nap routine being annoyed and attributing her “delay tactics” to her age.  She wouldn’t have felt heard or understood and would’ve been left holding on to her fear and sadness while her Mama acted irritated and edgy.  

Active listening provides the space for empathy, connection, love, and appreciation.  It's not always easy, but it certainly has a greater reward than giving in to frustration or exhaustion.  It is an ongoing practice to check in with myself and ask whether I'm prioritizing control over the scenario or connection with my child.  Here's to choosing connection. 


Kimberly Mays/Illume Parenting
With fresh eyes, an open heart, engaged listening and the creation of space, I partner with parents in establishing a connection with their child that forever wins out over control.  I am passionate about raising a generation of children who love themselves, who celebrate each other, and who have the inner wisdom to form and maintain loving, healthy relationships.

Through a variety of conscious parenting methods, together we will cast light into the dark spaces where communication, cooperation and love are longing to shine within ourselves, our children, and the relationships we share.